Adoption Family Issues

Learning about the developmental stages of children and what can be expected in each stage is important to all new adoptive parents. Parenting an adopted child is parenting plus.... It's challenging, rewarding, frustrating and satisfying and it takes a great deal of patience, dedication and maturity on the part of the parents. We hope the information we provide here can shine a light at the end of the tunnel and help you understand some of the issues that worry and bother any adopted child today.

Whether children are adopted as infants or when they are older, whether they are healthy or have physical or psychological problems, their adoption is bound to influence their development. You need to understand how and why. we will be looking at specific issues--separation, loss, anger, grief, and identity--and show how they are expressed as your adopted child grows up. Some of these issues will be obvious in all stages of development; others surface at specific times. The more thoroughly you can understand how your child behaves and why, the more likely it is that you can be supportive and help your child to grow up with healthy self-esteem and the knowledge that she or he is loved.

A.1-  I recommended that the parents and birth mom reveal the identity of the birth mother sooner, rather than later. I believe that children will be less apt to resent her parents and their birth mother for keeping secrets, which will save everyone potential heartache in the long run. Children are so resilient…if the child learns who her/his birth mother is now, at age 4, in a couple of years, it will seem as if she’s always known who her/his birth mother is.

There are two viewpoints about when to discuss adoption with your children.

  • Theory #1 recommends postponing the discussion of adoption until the child is between the ages of 5 and 7. At that age, say some psychologists, the child will have the inner strength to incorporate and cope with the information.

  • Theory #2 recommends discussing adoption from the moment the child comes into the family.

B. 2- The first thing to consider as adoptive parents is to begin to validate their child's feelings rather than defend against them. Children are very sensitive and intuitive, and they know whether or not there is permission for them to experience or express their own feelings. When a child breaks in a fit of anger and say to you "I don't have to do what you say; you're not my real mother," rather than panic and scream, "What do you mean I'm not your real mother? I'm the one who always took care of you," it would be the perfect opportunity to begin to gain the child's trust by answering, "Yes, I understand you most miss your biological mother and wish that you could talk to her." This response takes a great deal of maturity and control on your part as the adoptive parent, but it is the only kind of answer that will make the child feel understood. One of the things we hear over and over from adopted children is that they were never understood in their adoptive homes. It is of the utmost importance for adoptive parents to understand that their child is living a dual reality: the adoptive reality of trying to fit into their family and the genetic reality of those aspects of themselves which feel the most real to them but which are not reflected in that family. Projective identification exists in feelings, thoughts, and behavior and is used to evoke in others those feelings which are congruent with one's own feelings. It serves several purposes. It is a type of defense, a mode of communication, and a primitive form of object relations. If handled well by the parent, it can also be a form of healing for the child and for the parent/child relationship. We owe it to our children to act in a mature, parental, thoughtful, caring manner with them. They, after all, are children and have suffered much more than children should have to. We need to help alleviate their pain, not add to it. Adoptive parents can be most effective in healing the primal wound, but only if they acknowledge the loss their children have suffered and validate their feelings about that loss. Children desperately need to feel understood.

 C. 3-  Most parents worry about their child when he or she reaches adolescence. When adopted children reach adolescence, their parents are likely to be anxious and have an additional set of questions. Current adoption practices have mixed opinions about whether, when, how, and with whose help, adoptees should look for more information about or try to initiate a reunion with birth-biological parents. The topic resurfaces in adolescence, either raised directly by the child, or when rebellious, defiant behavior such as threats to run away, makes parents wonder if their child is wanting or needing to contact a birth parent. It takes a parent with sturdy self-esteem and more confidence than most of us have to withstand the stony silences and stormy confrontations with teenagers in turmoil. Only a few studies have compared the psychological well- being of adopted adolescents with that of non-adopted adolescents. Some of those studies conclude that having been adopted makes no difference in adolescent behavior. Others suggest that adopted teenagers are more likely than others to experience problems. Experts disagree about the relative importance of the role of parents, the "climate" of the family, and the natural temperament of the teenager as contributors to adolescent problems. There are two points on which they agree, however. (1) Being adopted is an undeniable part of a teen's history and should not be ignored. (2) Adopted adolescents can successfully confront and resolve their special developmental issues. For some adolescents, searching can be useful, while for many, the urgent activities and decisions of daily life are so pressing that they feel uninterested in or unable to confront such a heavy emotional undertaking. Waiting till they have reached adulthood when their lives will be more settled may be better for the latter group.

D. 4- Like we mentioned before children and teenagers are very smart and intuitive people. They have a good sense of what is right or what is wrong. If your adoptive child approaches you and have any questions regarding why is he or she different than you? Is it true I am an adopted child? Why was I adopted? Why did not you tell me before? Why did you hide it from me? When this time arrives, at this point the best thing to do is to face the challenge and speak the truths of the matter to your child. You need to assert the child that you love them, that you care for them, that they are very important to you and your family, and that they are understood. These assurances will make the child more receptive to your answers and  explanations. Be firm, look at them in the eye and in words that they can interpret easily explain to them why you adopted them, where they came from and that you will support them if they would like to search for their birth-biological parents.

E. 5- Show them that you care, that you love them, that you respect them, listen to them, tell them "that they are a very important part of the family", tell them that you would do what it takes to help them be successful and that they are understood. Engaging in this level of communication, support and understanding will enable your child to be comfortable and happier member of the family.

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